


Pear-shaped

by Bearfeat



Series: Eat Me [1]
Category: The Late Show starring Stephen Colbert, The Mindy Project RPF
Genre: F/M, RPF, Sexual Content, Slow Burn, mild food kink, the mindy project - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-29
Updated: 2015-12-13
Packaged: 2018-05-03 21:22:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5307302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bearfeat/pseuds/Bearfeat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>From: Stephen Colbert<br/>To: Mindy Kaling</p><p>Dear Mindy,</p><p>Sorry it took me some time to respond, but I felt I needed something to compliment you back on, and I haven’t seen the new episodes of The Mindy Project yet.<br/>I did, however, buy your book.<br/>I haven’t read it.<br/>But I bought it.</p><p>X Stephen</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Butter

**Author's Note:**

> This was an idea I had when I realised that Stephen is ALWAYS eating on the Late Show. And I could only ship him with Mindy, cause she is awesome and great and always gushing over him and honestly how are Mindy and I the only ones shipping them so hard.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not know or own these people or the characters and that, on its own, is a tragedy.

Mindy Kaling felt like there was one constant in her life and that was watching Stephen Colbert. No matter how hectic the day, how tired and hungry she came home, home started when the Report started and she could really relax. It was a shelter, a place of refuge and she trusted it was there for her four nights a week.

She first noticed she was in love when she walked into a huge display of Stephen’s face on the side of a building. Her eyes brushed over it and her heart dropped to her stomach. It was a familiar feeling, like his presence was the same out here on the street as it was in her home. Yet she hastily looked away, as if she should feel ashamed for staring at it too long. When she came home, she turned on her laptop to watch some of the older episodes. It was a secret. 

That was when the dreams started. In a way, Mindy was so convinced Stephen had been in her life for years. She could imagine his smell, the way he would feel under her touch.  
She couldn’t shut up about him. Because it was a secret, she wore it openly, disguising it in praise for his comedic talents.

Mindy’s star was rising and before she really internalised what was happening, she was a guest on the Report. As she sat at the table, watching him announce her, catching glimpses of the long legs under the kilt he was wearing, she wanted him, wanted him, wanted him. His audience applauded and the host ran to the other side of the studio. Suddenly, she wanted him to not come over really badly. He would notice. He would know what she dreamt of last night. It would no longer be her harmless little secret.

Stephen plopped down in his seat and took her hand.  
‘I’m glad we’re not wearing the same skirt’ he laughed. His poignant personality washed over her and so did a pleasant, manly aroma. She was surprised he smelled exactly like she had imagined.

When she got home later that night, she kicked off her shoes and walked straight to her bedroom.  
‘Enough’. She told her reflection in the mirror, undressing. ‘This has been exiting enough for me. I’ve had my dose of Stephen.’  
And that might have been true. It really might have.

-

Stephen agreed to play a role on her show and Mindy was fucking _thrilled_. She wrote this character years ago, always keeping Stephen in mind. Father Michael. It could only be played by him. The fact that he had a magnificent silver beard right now made it so much better than her imagination! Father Stephen, she would call him when she was alone. She would write lines for him that would never be on the show, or for anyone else to see. She would carve up the butter, so it would mix better with the sugar and the flower, and she would recite them to herself:

_‘Forgive me father, for I have sinned.’_  
_‘What is it my child?’_

Mindy sighed and licked the cookie dough from her fingers.

‘Gluttony.’

-

Mindy brought the cookies to set, but only to make sure she wouldn’t eat everything herself.  
‘What you got there?’ said Stephen, appearing beside her.  
‘I tried, yet failed horribly at baking’ she answered, holding the plate up and waving her finger. She had added too much butter, which made the cookies soft and gooey, and a little too sticky for her taste. Stephen snagged one of her plate.  
‘Oh, chocolate chip?’ He didn't wait for an answer and took a large bite. She could see in his expression when the pepper hit the taste buds. His eyes pressed shut. His eyebrows raised, showing the profound lines in his forehead. He moaned, maybe a little theatrical. She swallowed her words and gazed up at the man, who was slowly chewing, nodding appreciatively, some breadcrumbs in the corner of his mouth. ‘Hmm’ he said.  
‘That is cayenne pepper you’re tasting’ said Mindy, as Stephen stuffed the rest of the cookie at once in his face. ‘I love my cookies to be not just sweet.’ She paused for a moment. Some of the crumbs rolled down his beard. Butter glistened on his lower lip.  
‘So if I make chocolate chip, I put pepper in, and if I make caramel cookies, I add rock salt-’  
At that moment Ike called her over. Mindy held in a curse.  
‘It’s good!’ Stephen gave her a wink as she started to move. Then she thought of something.  
‘You want another one, before I take these away from you and probably will be attacked by a bunch of hungry writers?’ she pushed the plate up to his face. ‘Hmm?’  
‘I shouldn’t’ he said, taking the biggest cookie. ‘I’ve got muffin top for _dayyyyys_.’

-

Stephen only spent one day on set. A glorious, 13-hour day, yes. But only just the one. When he left the set, a wave of enthusiasm went through the room. Wasn’t he cool? The staff mumbled to each other. Wasn’t he such an absolutely normal and perfectly nice guy?

‘Well, he’s not absolutely normal.’ Mindy stated to everyone in direct range of hearing. ‘He’s a legend. He’s an absolute genius. And if someone tries to claim otherwise, I will murder you. I’ll plough through all your friends.’

When she got home that night, the apartment still smelled like the chocolate chip and cayenne pepper cookies. The image of Stephen, eyes pressed shut, crumbs in his beard and theatrically moaning, flashed before her eyes. _Jesus Christ_.

_Today we filmed with Stephen Colbert, who played a Catholic priest with a history of addictions to sex and drugs. His character had sex with Madonna on an airport baggage carousel. This might have been my favourite day of all time._

Putting away her diary, Mindy switched off the lamp on her bed stand. She pondered about work for a while, but it didn’t take long before she saw the image again of him slowly chewing, the lines in his face dancing. She was such a genius for actually being able to dress him up in a priest-outfit. Who else could dress up the guy hunting their dreams to the exact vision of their perverted mind? She fucking could. Yes, it did make her feel a little wrong and dirty. But she somehow felt she'd get over it.

There was one scene they were unable to get through during filming and that wouldn’t make the cut. In this scene, Stephen sat on a couch, she at his feet. She played a ‘proper’ girlfriend to Danny while defending her actual character to “Father Michael”.

‘She wasn't crazy.’ Mindy said. ‘And she had a huge rack.’

‘Really? Deadpanned Stephen, improvising. ‘I heard she was pear-shaped, with small breasts.’

‘OK what the hell!’ Mindy shouted, diving on top of Stephen. They struggled on the couch for a while, until Chris Messina, in character, told her to get off of him. They couldn’t stop laughing and when they did, one look at the other would hurl them both back into a laughing fit.

In bed, Mindy closed her eyes. She built a scenario in which there was no Chris, no cameras, no crew. _Pear-shaped with small breasts_ , she thought in Stephens voice, and she would dive on top of him. He would hold her wrists in a dead-grip while she was struggling above him. In this iteration he gripped her harder, and she would use her whole upper-body strength to fight back. _Small breasts_? Fantasy-Mindy shouted. His clenching hands and tenacious gaze would urge her to be still. He freed her arms, for she was now straddling him, and he slowly moved one hand to her side. The thumb ran under her nipple. His fingers moved higher, rubbing the skin of her side, and then closed over her breast. The squeeze was gentle, but firm. Real life Mindy slipped a hand under her sleepshirt and touched herself. She ran her fingers softly over het body. A second hand touched her side, caressed and pressed the right spots. He wouldn't make the next move, but if she wouldn’t back down he wouldn’t. She could feel how his breath caught in his chest. He felt her tremble against him, and arched up his hips, to let her know he wanted her too. 

Mindy’s hand moved down over her body. Between consciousness and ecstasy, his face would drift in and out. Sometimes bearded, eyes shut in desire, and sometimes clean-shaven, his bold brown eyes holding her gaze and that of many across the nation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pear-shaped with small breasts  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ypmG3nxZhWQ


	2. Sugar

Stephen looked up from his new desk when he heard a knock on the door. That must be Liz, who he heard was looking for him. ‘Yes, come in!’ he shouted.  
‘Stephen!’ A familiar voice called, and it took him a second to place that voice, because he heard it last half a year ago.  
‘Mindy! Hey, what a surprise!’ he stood up to embrace her. ‘How are you?’  
‘I’m good, awesome new place you have here!’ she said, looking around his new office. ‘And awesome to see you! Looking good as ever.’ She chirped. Stephen stroked his chin. ‘You can see my whole face now. Turns out CBS couldn’t let me keep my beard, because Tom Selleck’s moustache has a non-compete clause.’  
‘I can totally see why. Too much sexy facial hair on one channel is just confusing.’ She gave him a small carton gift box. ‘I got you something to celebrate that you’re going to be on the air really soon and I can watch you again every night like a total creeper.’  
He opened the box and the sweet smell of caramel drove into his nostrils. ‘Caramel cookies!’ he beamed. ‘With rock salt, I presume?’

Mindy had told him she should go, because he was probably busy, but Stephen had urged her to sit down and let him share his cookies. ‘Not that those last cookies you made weren’t great, but these ones are fucking good’ Stephen said with his mouth full.  
‘I’m improving my recipe. I am on a quest for, like, the ultimate cookie.’ Mindy replied.  
‘So you bake in order to reach perfection’ Stephen said in a voice that almost sounded like his on-screen character. His voice went up at the end of the sentence and cracked a little.  
‘And the eating, obviously.’ Mindy laughed. ‘And for keeping my Instagram fans satisfied.’ She took another cookie and bit a chunk off. As she ate, Stephen noticed Mindy would look away, and as she chewed she would let her eyes wander around his new office, as to not focus on anything visual in particular. Just the taste.

‘Thanks so much for bringing me this. It is so nice of you.’  
‘Well, I just wanted to celebrate that you’re breaking in your new workplace’ said Mindy.  
‘I planned to have someone drop these off, thinking you would be super busy right now, but I was in the neighbourhood.’  
Stephen looked at her for a moment before letting out a hoarse laugh. ‘In the neighbourhood! You just wanted to witness me eating them, instead of giving them to my interns as a compensation.’  
Mindy trembled a little at him accusing her of wanting to watch him eat, because it was absolutely true. But she so quickly regained herself that he couldn't have noticed. ‘First of all you should pay your interns’ she said, sassily waving her finger in the air. ‘And second… what are you doing?’  
Stephen had taken a cookie and started eating it as if he was in a really bad porno. He slid his tongue over the edge, nibbled a bit on it. He put it halfway in his mouth and slowly pulled it out, all the while keeping intense eye contact.  
Okay. Okay, NOW he really had her off-guard. ‘This is going to hunt my dreams.’ Mindy said dryly. ‘Thank you. That is one image I won’t be able to get off my mind for some time.’ Stephen grinned boyishly at her.

‘How did you start baking?’ Stephen asked her. ‘Through your mom?’  
‘Actually, the person who got me baking…’ she held her hand up to her face until she was done eating a large chunk ‘was Maggie Gyllenhaal.’  
‘Oh, you guys bake together?’ there was a laugh in his voice when he said it, and small wrinkles appeared around his eyes.  
‘She was in that movie with Will Ferrell, Stranger than Fiction. Have you seen it?’ Stephen shook his head.  
‘Well, she plays a baker, and they fall in love… And there is a scene where she describes how she made a book of recipes while studying at Harvard Law.’ Mindy leaned towards him, her elbows on the desk, and in her mind she tried to remember Gyllenhaal’s lines and diction. She realised that she was doing that thing again. That thing where she talks about a romcom as it were a personal anecdote. When she started talking again her voice was lower and warm and she spoke softly, almost whispering.  
‘She made oatmeal cookies, peanut butter bars, dark chocolate-macadamia wedges...’ Mindy held his gaze. Just as in the movie, she spoke slowly, emphasizing the delicious ingredients when she continued:  
‘...ricotta cheese and apricot croissants, and mocha-bars with an almond-glaze, and lemon chiffon cake with zesty peach- icing.' Stephen sighed at the idea. Mindy shook her head, slowly, still looking him in the eye.  
‘It sounds good, right? And the way she delivered those lines… it was just so… so sexy.’  
Stephen looked at Mindy and Mindy looked at Stephen. For a moment, all they could hear was the light buzz of his laptop.

‘Stephen, I’ve been looking for you all over the place! Did Paul not tell you I’ve been looking for you?’ Liz stood in the door opening, very obviously agitated. ‘Oh. Hi, Mindy.’ Mindy waved back.  
Being suddenly snapped back to reality, Stephen jumped from his chair. ‘Oh, eh yeah! I’m sorry Mindy, I have to go to a, eeeh…’ He looked helplessly at Liz. ‘Briefing on the promo video’s.’ Liz said, overemphasizing every syllable. ‘Mitt Romney is waiting on the phone.’  
Mindy decided not to ask and reached for her coat. ‘Listen, it was great seeing you’ Stephen told her, grabbing her shoulder. ‘You too, man. Good luck with Mitt Romney.’  
Before she could turn, Stephen leaned in and placed a soft kiss on her cheek. ‘Bye’ he said, watching her face break into her trademark sunny smile.

-

The thing is, Stephen Colbert really liked Mindy Kaling. When he heard that she had asked him to present her with the award for Glamour’s Women of the Year, he was honoured. He had only met her once, when she was a guest on his show. He didn’t really know too much about her until his daughter pointed out that, on Mindy’s show, he was mentioned. Like, a lot. Obviously, this woman was a fan. He decided not to let her down and wrote her a speech.

He started watching The Mindy Project. And it was true: he did get mentioned often, but he also noticed other aspects that might be referencing to him personally. Wasn’t the boyfriend a devout catholic? Didn’t Mindy’s character date some very handsome, white, tall (though not as tall as him) dark-haired men? Sometimes, his kids would find him, wide grin on his face, staring at his laptop, watching The Mindy Project. He was utterly flattered, and also very amused. The things she got away with saying! She didn’t need to curse to utter the most vulgar phrases, seemingly innocent with her endearing, girly voice.

So on the day of the Award ceremony, Stephen and Mindy met as mutual fans. He, having binged al of her show’s episodes, and she, always having him linger in the back of her mind. Their total lack of actually knowing each other, combined with the mutual appreciation, made for an amicable vibe, which lasted the entire evening. During the Glamour interview, Mindy leaned a little towards Stephen, and Stephen caught himself constantly looking at her, impressed by her cheerful wit and amazed by her ability to light up a room. He kept thinking: sunshine. This girl is like a beam of sunshine.

-

Stephen ate the rest of the cookies in bed, on his laptop an episode of The Mindy Project. After today, he somehow felt like catching up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maggie  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3rCmX-TAl1w


	3. Flower

Sept. 9, 00:34  
From: Mindy Kaling  
To: Stephen Colbert  
Subject: Making every person with two eyes attached to a hart, pumping vast amounts of blood into highly reactive reproductive organs immensely happy by appearing on cable TV

I loved the show! You are amazing. Well done!

Mindy

-

And there it was again: the women’s voice that had slipped to the back of his mind. Months had gone by of him having to put so much time in the pre-production of the Late Show and trying to make sure his family knew he still existed, all television shows had gone un-binged. The only pop-culture Stephen had forced himself to keep up with was popular science, if only to keep Neil deGrasse Tyson on the edge about Pluto.  
But here that voice was, clear as day, and in the form of an email.

The message was short and sweet and hilarious and flattering and it sharply jerked the voice from the back of his head outwards. It was as if she was standing in the room with him. His thoughts lingered for a moment before he went on reading and deleting his other emails. When he left his office to read through the script, he imagined the aroma of caramel and rock salt lingering over his desk.

-

‘Hey, Mindy. Could you shut up about The Late Show for a second?’  
‘Yes. Ok. You tell me something, then.’  
‘You want to hear about the time I was in a movie with Brad Pitt and Christoph Waltz?’  
‘Dammit B.J.! I KNOW, ok? You worked with Tarantino. But do you have your own television show, with your name in the title?’  
‘I told you to stop talking about Stephen Colbert!’  
‘I WAS TALKING ABOUT MYSELF’

‘Min?’  
‘Hmm?’  
Seriously though…. Do you have a crush on Colbert? Like, I know that he’s your hero and stuff, but… you have an actual crush, don’t you?’  
She looked at B.J., who proved once again how good he was at pissing her off.  
‘No, it’s just I think he’s supper hot and super funny and I’ve watched everything he’s ever done, and…’ she rambled on for a while, until she noticed that her conversational partner was giving her an infuriatingly smug look.  
‘WHAT?’ she yelled at him, dramatically.  
‘I just think it’s cute, that’s all.’ B.J. reached for her hand but she pulled it away. ‘Min, don’t be angry. I’m not bullying you.’ He reached for her hand again, this time successfully. ‘I just think it is adorable that you are crushing on an older, married man like a fourteen-year old fangirl.’  
Mindy angrily stood up from his couch and started walking towards the front door of his apartment, yelling ‘Well if this is your idea of catching up, B.J.’, but he caught her again.  
‘You’re such a dick’ she said, right before they kissed.

B.J. gradually pushed her towards his bedroom, slowly grinding their hips together, but Mindy pulled away.  
‘I’ve been baking him so many cookies’ she stated matter-of-factly and B.J. let out a brutal laugh. ‘What are you, like, craving daddy’s attention?’  
‘Oh hell no!’ Mindy whispered viciously, but B.J. kissed her neck and she pulled him in closer.  
‘You can pretend I’m him’ he said, when the back of her knees hit the bed and they landed on top of it. ‘Fuck you!’ she managed to utter before he pulled the skirt of her dress up and buried his face between her legs.  
‘Yes, please.’ She could feel him mumble.

-

Sept. 28, 10:26  
From: Stephen Colbert  
To: Mindy Kaling  
Subject: Re: Making every person with two eyes attached to a hart, pumping vast amounts of blood into highly reactive reproductive organs immensely happy by appearing on cable TV

Dear Mindy,

Sorry it took me some time to respond, but I felt I needed something to compliment you back on, and I haven’t seen the new episodes of The Mindy Project yet.  
I did however buy your book.  
I haven’t read it.  
But I bought it.

X Stephen

-

‘You are only reading that because you get mentioned in it.’ Stephen looked up from his copy of Why Not Me and saw his daughter standing in front of him. Towering over him, like an all-knowing, college-going giant.  
‘You’re such a narcissist, dad’  
He threw a pillow at her.  
‘Is there enough room for your ego in that chair?’  
Stephen was out of pillows, so decided to give her a fatherly lecture. ‘It is funny. I read it because it is a good book.’ He looked at her over his glasses, but the girl was not intimidated.  
‘I know she is funny, dad. I told you about her. You just like her because she totally loves you.’  
‘There’s nothing wrong with enjoying a little praise.’ Stephen said, and his daughter giggled. ‘I knew it!’ she beamed. 

-  
‘Hey, let’s go somewhere together.’  
‘Like, where?’  
B.J. looked up at Mindy, who was playing on her phone.  
‘I’ve been meaning to see the new Bond.’  
‘You wanna catch a movie? Dinner and a movie?’ Mindy’s face lit up. ‘Yeah, let’s do that! But no James Bond. Ugh.’  
B.J. got his phone from the nightstand. ‘What about Star Wars?’ he said.  
‘I’m already checking screenings.’ Mindy told him. ‘Okay, there’s one at nine. If we leave now, we can go out for sushi.’  
‘Sounds great.’ B.J. replied lazily, stroking Mindy’s thigh.  
‘Okay, you cannot make plans and then not take action, you pervert!’ Mindy pulled away, but the look on his face made her change her mind  
‘I think we have another ten minutes.’ She said.

‘You totally suck at this.’ Mindy told B.J., who succeeded perfectly in handling the sushi with his chopsticks. ‘You look so white right now.’  
‘What, I am using them the right way!’  
‘Oh, poor darling, you’re spilling all your food. Oh no.’ Mindy giggled. B.J. looked at his impeccable plate. ‘Leave me alone woman, I’m trying to eat!’ His hand shot out, slapping the piece of sushi from Mindy’s chopsticks, right before she could eat.  
‘Hey, what the hell!’ Mindy and B.J. fought over the last piece of sushi on her plate with the chopsticks, cursing each other out, laughing.  
Suddenly, the tension in the restaurant changed, like everyone around them tried their best to ignore them, while being very aware of their presence. Mindy wanted to say something about it, but before she could speak she realized the people around them didn’t care about her and B.J.. They were actively ignoring the person behind her, who was walking up to their table and said: ‘Hey, Mindy! How are you?’ Mindy and B.J. looked up. Of course these people were nervous about this monumental man of late night.  
‘Stephen’ she breathed.

‘Listen, I know it is super weird to just walk in here because I saw you through the window, but I wanted to let you know I finally red your book.’ Stephen said, crouching to close the awkward space between him standing and them sitting. ‘And I loved it, and I wanted to say hi.’  
‘You came in here to tell me you liked my book?’ Mindy replied, way too loud. ‘Oh my god, thank you! Wow.’ She giggled. B.J. threw her all sorts of looks.  
‘Oh, Stephen, this is B.J. Novak. My, ehm...’  
Stephen looked over at the man and stood up from their table.  
‘B.J., nice to meet you.’  
‘Nice meeting you’ B.J. replied as they shook hands.  
‘Well, I shall bother you no longer.’ (‘No, no, not at all’ Mindy protested) ‘And I wish you both a nice evening.’ Giving her a friendly smile, he walked out, leaving the whole restaurant staring at the door until minutes after he was gone.

‘Oh my god, did that just happen?’ said Mindy.  
‘I’m your what?’ said B.J.  
‘This guy is so classy.’ said Mindy.  
‘I’m your what?’ said B.J.  
‘I think I just dropped an egg.’ said Mindy.

-

Mindy’s bedroom was illuminated and a soft ‘bing’ sounded when her phone received the email. For a moment, she dreamt the flash of light, but it did wake her up.  
She turned, because she got emails all the time, every moment of the day and night. If it was something urgent, someone would have called.  
When she didn’t seem to fall back into the cozy warmth of sleep, she took her phone off the nightstand and stumbled in the dark to her bathroom. Sitting down on the toilet, she unlocked her phone. She arsed around on Instagram for a while, before remembering why she was awake in the first place. She opened her email.

Dec. 14, 03:54  
From: Stephen Colbert  
To: Mindy Kaling  
Subject: sunshine

Wwas goo seein g you tod ay sunshine


	4. Eggs

Stephen Colbert couldn’t really go about New York like a normal person anymore. Sure, it didn’t keep him from walking around the city every now and then, but it wasn’t like it used to be when he moved here from Chicago, when he appeared on The Daily Show, and even the earlier years of the Report. He could feel everyone around him adapt when they noticed him. People talked to him in the streets, very obviously ignored him, asked him to take a picture with them. Stephen loved the attention. He felt like he deserved it. He felt like he worked so hard, learned all the specific things one needs to learn to become this poignant, interesting celebrity. He also hated that he felt this way, dreading to obtain an insufferable ego. But most of the time his fame could work in his advantage. Like earlier this evening, when he saw Mindy Kaling through the window of a sushi restaurant.

It was already dark, so the people in the street payed less attention to him when he stopped in front of the restaurant and gazed inside. He saw the young woman laughing, engaging in what seemed like an entertaining conversation. The moment he realized he was staring, his eyes adjusted and he could see his own reflection. Compared to his surroundings he looked tall. He broadened his shoulders and opened the door. When he stepped inside, there was a collective gasp, and Stephen smiled. She looked at him like it would be Christmas for a thousand years.

-

Mindy Kaling sat on the toilet in the cold bathroom of her apartment, staring at her phone. It took her some time to realize that wat she was seeing on the screen was a piece of drunken text by Stephen Colbert, calling her sunshine.  
The first thing that sprang to mind was this being a prank, that someone else must have sent it. Then again, she thought it unlikely that anyone could look into Stephen’s account. In that case, it must be a joke from his side, she thought, but that, too, just didn’t feel…accurate. They didn’t know each other well enough to share these kinds of jokes. 

‘Was good seeing you today, sunshine.’ She whispered to her phone. Her clock said it was past four in the morning. She’d gotten (and sent) enough inebriated midnight messages to recognize one when she saw one. But this one just seemed so alien to her.

Deciding she better not reply right now, she finished her business in the bathroom and slid back into her bed, next to her B.J. Your what? She could hear him say. I am your what? 

‘Oh, you made breakfast?’ B.J. walked in, still looking sleepy.  
‘This is kind of my way to tell you that I’m kicking you out for the day, because I need to work, but I still want you to be happy.’ Mindy replied, and she scooped some scrambled eggs from a pan and placed on his plate. B.J. sat down.  
‘That is actually really thoughtful.’ B.J. yawned. Mindy gave him a cup of coffee.  
‘What do you need to work on?’  
‘Scripts’ Mindy replied. ‘Gotta call my publisher…’ she stood thinking for a while. ‘Send some emails.’

Mindy sat on the floor of her kitchen, watching her oven. Lit up in the orange light, small cookies slowly spread out, rose and fell again. She was waiting for the edges to turn brown. The cookies in the oven had only half of her attention, though. Every thirty seconds she looked at her phone. Was she waiting for a new message from Stephen, explaining the joke, excusing him for the butt-typing, telling her the message was sent to the wrong person?  
Did she expect the text, calling her sunshine, to change into something different or to disappear altogether? Whatever Mindy tried to make of it, every time she came to the same conclusion: last night Stephen Colbert got drunk and he thought of her.

And that didn’t have to mean anything at all. Mindy shook her head while she used a spoon to shape a new batch of cookie-dough onto the oven plate. She was not a child anymore. Of course it meant something. But it was a little hard to comprehend that he, the man she’s been fantasizing about for the past decade, could have the hots for her. Sure, it was extremely hot and flattering. It was also fucked up.

She thought about how easy Stephen could get women, and more specifically, how many extramarital affairs he’d have. The more she thought about that the more she started to doubt the pedestal she had placed him on. Was he just a man unhappy about his marriage, who got drunk and messaged other (younger) women? Mindy pondered this. Was he too old to still be having his midlife crisis?

No, Mindy decided. No! She knew plenty men who were like this, But Stephen Colbert never struck her as creepy or unhappy. She took her phone again. 

Dec. 14, 13:47  
To: Stephen Colbert  
From: Mindy Kaling  
Subject: sunshine

You too, Stephen. Always a pleasure 

Xx Mindy

Her thumb hovered over the ‘send’ button. What was this saying about her? Was this her averting the situation or was this her screaming ‘YESSSSS’ at his request of having, well… something? 

She turned off her phone once again.  
If she ignored it, and it would not happen again, then nothing was going on, really. She wouldn’t have to worry about how, for once, she was making up excuses for wanting to fuck a married man. She thought of how it felt better to just admire from a distance than to have the thing she actually wanted dangled in front of her. And how somewhere in the distance, there was alwys the voice of B.J. ‘I am your what?’.  
It was infuriating. 

-

The first thing Stephen noticed when he woke up was that his head hurt. His mouth was dry and an awful taste lingered. He reached to turn off the alarm clock, lessening the painful pounding in his head. The long, hot shower helped, but he did remind himself that he was too old to drink like this. The rough hangover, loaded with shame came over him. Shame for the dinking, shame for not being in bed when his wife asked him to and more shame, which probably meant he had said or done something he would regret the moment he would remember it. It took him twenty minutes, until he was standing in his driveway, coffee in his hand, the watery glare of the morning sun prickling his eyes.

-

‘She wasn’t crazy, she had a huge rack.’  
‘Really? I heard she was pear-shaped with small breasts.’  
‘Ok, what the hell!’ Mindy dove on top of Stephen until Chris demanded she’d get off of him. They both just sat there, laughing, not looking at each other otherwise they would not be able to stop.  
Mindy paused the bit of film to rewind it. ‘She wasn’t crazy’ she could hear herself say, and she paused again. The screen of her laptop showed Stephen, blissfully bearded, listening to her, contriving the next line he was going to say.  
‘I should start perving on someone else’ she told her laptop, before looking around her apartment. It was utterly trashed. Four trays of chocolate chip cookie-dough cookie were cooling down on her diner table, packaging of butter and eggs lay all over the place. There was dough sticking to every single kitchen-utensil.

Mindy pounded on the second trash bag until the first one came loose in the trash shoot and they both fell down, out of sight. She had a Lady Gaga song stuck in her head, and was angrily singing along while working the garbage. She wiped her hands on her skirt and walked back into her apartment, only to find an intruder in the middle of her kitchen, a cookie in his hand, and a look of excruciating guilt in his bold, brown eyes.


	5. Baking Soda

For the second time today, Mindy was lost for words.  
‘I think I owe you an explanation’ Stephen said, stepping closer.  
‘No, you don’t’ she whispered, almost inaudible. Still sticking to the idea that if they ignored it, all of this would go away and nothing would have to be complicated.  
‘No, Mindy, I do. I am sorry for the email I sent last night, I did not mean to embarrass you. I don’t want anything to be weird between us in the future, so that is why I came over to apologize.’ Why did he have to come here? Why did he have to send her a drunk text? Why was he expressing a fantasy that should only be in her mind, apologizing for it, ending it brutally? She didn't ask for this.  
‘Stephen, it is fine, don’t worry about it’ she said softly, convinced that it wouldn’t cover the sound of her breaking heart. ‘People get drunk, I get it.’ She swallowed hard.  
‘Are you okay?’ Stephen stepped closer and Mindy wished he wouldn’t. His eye fell on the laptop on her table, showing his face on full-screen. Mindy bowed her head.  
Gently, Stephen touched her cheek. ‘Mindy?’ She looked at him with her big eyes. A tear welled up, the fluid expanding and shortly vibrating before it became top-heavy and rolled down, thinning out over her cheek, leaving a trail.  
With the back of his free hand he wiped the tear away. He didn’t know how to apologize and make it better. He shouldn’t have emailed her that after seeing the way she looked at him in the restaurant the day before. He should not be standing here, cupping her face, gazing into her beautiful, tearful eyes. Stephen leaned in and placed a soft kiss on Mindy’s lips.

For a moment, Mindy lingered in his gentle touch and the distant smell of coffee. Then she came to her senses.  
‘Hey, what the hell!’ she shook him off.  
‘I…I’m sorry!’ Stephen looked like a beaten dog. ‘I… I just’  
‘You just what? You just came here to tell me that you don’t want me, even though you could have just let it be? And then you kiss me?’  
Stephen held up his hands, helplessly, and Mindy noticed the cookie he was holding. He caught her gaze and quickly put it down.  
'No, you eat that cookie.' she pointed at it. He trembled, the cookie hovering in his hand above the table. Her face was glowing red with shame, sorrow... and anger. From here, she could see how on his temples, streaks of gray were showing. ‘Eat it!’ she whispered, slamming her door shut.  
‘Mindy, listen-’  
‘No, eat the fucking cookie!’ she lowered her voice and a shadow fell over her face. The gears in Stephens head were turning on full speed. He couldn’t tell if he was in a fight or doing improv. 

Slowly, Stephen took the chocolate chip cookie-dough cookie and took a bite. Involuntary, his eyes closed at the full, rich taste. It was so good it was sinful. A spark of shame sprang in his heart, on top of the shame he already felt. He took another one.  
Mindy sat down on her couch, her head in her hand. She was angry and some tears were rolling down her face. She let them go. But she did not want him to leave.

Stephen felt like this was a situation he either had to bluff himself out of or use his witts. Seeing what he had caused so far, he didn't want to upset her any further and took a third cookie from the plate. He was chewing on the second one, and his eyes turned to Mindy. She was still crying angry tears, bur her face was adamant. Her piercing eyes held him in place. By just doing this, she had taken control over the situation. She wanted him to play along, so he happily obliged. Holding her gaze, he swallowed and took a bite from the new cookie. Suddenly, the atmosphere in the room changed, as the two looked each other in the eye. He was still wearing his suit from the taping of The Late Show, which helped him slip into character. He chewed, swallowed. Every movement he made, the tragically slow gesture of his hand from the plate to his lips, the big gulps of air he breathed in through his nose, making his chest expand, it all made for a heightened tension. The air between Stephen and Mindy felt electric. He pushed the rest of the cookie in with two fingers, leaving a trail of chocolate on his lower lip. It glistened as he chewed. It caught Mindy’s eye.  
Stephen wiped his lip with his finger, and looked at the chocolate sticking to it. He brought it back to his mouth, but suddenly, Mindy snapped her hand around his wrist. She pushed him down on her couch and straddled him. Slowly, she sucked the chocolate off his finger.

Stephen’s uneven breath caressed her face and when she finally freed his wrist, he pulled her in for a new kiss. This time, Mindy hungrily kissed him back. She pulled his thick, black hair and ran her nails from his crown to the back of his neck. Finally, she thought, banning the list of cons from her mind. Finally the fantasy of Stephen, being straddled under her and on her couch, was not a fantasy anymore. She wanted to taste him, take him all in.

When he parted his lips, her tongue immediately found his. She grinded down in his lap until he had to break away to catch his breath. When she bit his ear he replied with an ‘Ow!’, but she could also feel his dick twitch.  
Heated up by their little power play, Stephen kissed her neck hard, making a trail over her collarbone and up to her ear. Mindy moaned at the sweet agony, but demanded: ‘That better not be blue tomorrow’. Stephen firmly pushed her into his lap, breathing in her ear ‘If it’s blue, it’s blue.’  
She pulled him back by his hair and he let out a sigh of pleasure at the sharp pull. Her lips found his again. They explored each other’s bodies, her hands undid his jacket and tie and his hand worked their way up her skirt, squeezing her amazing, round ass.  
‘Oh you like that?’ Mindy whispered in his mouth. ‘You like.. oh!’  
Stephen had worked one hand inside of her panties, feeling her wetness, pushing two fingers inside of her. When he hit the good spot, she pulled her head back and closed her eyes in delight. She moaned his name. She wanted him so bad.

Her shaking hands fumbled at the buttons of his shirt. In an uncomfortable moment, he slipped out of her to take it off. Mindy moaned at the loss of stimulation, but was glad at the sight of his naked chest, heaving under his attempt to controlled breathing. Stephen looked at her, almost innocently, sucking his fingers clean. While holding her gaze, he pulled them out of his mouth. When she leaned in to kiss him again, she could taste him, and herself, and a hint of chocolate chip.

She worked her hands down over his body. His hips bucked up involuntarily when she ran them over his zipper. She teased him by touching too softly. Suddenly, he told her to stop. He placed his hand over hers and tried to catch his breath.  
Mindy realised that the amount of space from the door to the couch and the email to the first kiss was tiny, but that in these small spaces of time, their relationship had exploded. They had gone from amical admiration to being half naked on top of each other. She had gone from fantasy to reality. Please, please, don't stop here, she thought. Afraid he had changed his mind, Mindy looked down. He was shirtless, beautiful. His glasses crooked on his nose. The thought of not doing him hurt her physically.  
‘What is it?’ she said, rubbing a hand through the hair on his chest.  
He swallowed and looked up at her, the lines around his mouth shifting. She dreaded the words he would utter next.  
‘Let’s go to your bedroom’ he said.

Standing up and losing the warmth of his body brought her off balance, but when Stephen took her hand to stand up, he pulled her close to him again. He cupped her face and kissed her, his tongue exploring hers, his naked upper body pressed against her. My god, he tasted good. She put her arms around him and scratched his back, to which he responded by pressing his erection against her. Mindy broke the kiss to catch her breath. Squeezing his hand, she led him to her bedroom. 

Maybe as a force of habit, Stephen closed the door behind them. She had stopped at the side of her bed and turned. Was there hesitance on her face?  
‘You okay?’ he said in a husky voice.  
She nodded. A moment later she took off her shirt and bra, feeling a boost of sexiness exploding in her chest at the way Stephen looked at her. His eyes caressing her body and her face. He placed a hand on her cheek again.  
‘Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?’ he said. She lit up like sunshine.

Stephen urged her down on the bed, kissed her neck and down her chest, pushed his crotch against hers to make her feel how hard he was. He ran his fingers lightly over her nipples, kissed around them, sucked in the skin until she moaned and then let go. He made traces over her stomach, down and up again, finally reaching her soaking panties. Mindy held her breath as he ran his fingers over the fabric, pushing, feeling.  
‘Take them off’ she managed to utter. He obliged. For a short time he ran his tongue over her core, tasting her again while she moaned and clawed at his hair, but he needed more right now.  
‘Top drawer’ Mindy breathed. He found the condoms. Taking off his pants, he revealed an impressive erection. He ripped the package open with his teeth, threw it out and in one slick move, rolled the condom over his dick. Then, he placed his glasses on her nightstand.

All his attention now turned to Mindy, who spread her legs for him. Slowly, as if she was precious and breakable, he pushed inside her.  
‘Oh, Stephen!’ she moaned.  
‘Oh, Mindy!’ finally, he called her name. Slowly he moved in and out of her, kissing her neck and shoulder.  
He picked up a faster pace, and soon he couldn’t talk anymore. He kissed her and she squeezed his ass, urging him to go faster, deeper, and he didn’t hold back. Mindy had to bite her lip to make sure she didn’t scream, and seeing this, Stephen pounded even harder.  
He placed his forehead against hers, slowing down a little. He finally had her, and he wanted to make it last a little longer.  
‘I’m so close’ he breathed. Mindy gripped tighter around him.  
‘Oh, Mindy! I’m gonna…’ the waves of his orgasm hit him, and feeling his body contract around her, in her, she came too. He pushed a couple of last times, sending the most fantastic sensations through her body, and then they lay there, shivering in their pleasure. She held him tight when he rained wet kisses on her face. She kept him there until his weight on her started to compromise her breathing and he had to force himself out of her grip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I kinda nerded out when I saw Mindy post about the cookies she just baked on her instagram.
> 
> https://www.instagram.com/mindykaling/


	6. Salt

Mindy grinded her hips and Stephen held on to them more tightly, pushing up into her more firmly. Laying straddled beneath her, hair a mess and eyes locked to hers, she felt as if he was totally at her mercy. The familiar, but freshly anticipated feeling of her body pulsing, contracting and taking her higher, built up until it raged through her. When she came to her senses and looked down, his eyes were closed and sharp thrusts of air escaped from his throat. She rolled her hips on him until his entire body arched up and he, too, came.

When Mindy woke up, maybe an hour later, she found Stephen fully clothed at the end of her bed, putting on his socks.  
‘Hey, what the hell? Are you gonna when-Harry-met-Sally-me?’  
One eyebrow shot up and he brushed a hand through his after-sex hair. It made her want to rip his clothes off and drag him back to bed.  
‘You know I have to leave eventually’ he said. ‘But I thought I’d make you, well, let’s call it breakfast. You fell asleep right away.’  
Mindy smiled. ‘I did, didn’t I? I’m sorry for that.’  
Stephen swung his legs on the bed, crawling up to her, holding her down under the blanket.  
‘It was very sweet.’ He whispered, before placing a long, warm kiss on her lips. He grinded his groin onto hers, to remind her of how he made her feel there. She tried to grab him, but he got up.  
‘And now I need something savoury.’

-

While Stephen was making some grilled cheese sandwiches, Mindy gathered clothes to put on. She looked at herself in the mirror. She looked messy, but sexy. She felt like there was a warm glow over her. Her heart jumped when she walked out of her bedroom and saw Stephen, as if she didn’t expect him to be in her kitchen. And then there was the way he looked at her.

They ate their sandwiches, next to the pile of cookies and dishes on her table. While Mindy didn’t really know what to talk about or what to say, Stephen seemed completely at ease. He talked about his show and his plans to improve and grow. Mindy was glad to listen. 

Then he looked at his watch, gesturing that he really needed to leave. At the door, he turned to her and opened his mouth, but all of a sudden he fell silent. He didn’t know which parting words would be appropriate. All the options seemed inadequate. So they just shared a last kiss. 

Long after he had closed the door behind him, the warm glow left her body. Looking around her place, she actually realised what they had done. The smile faded from her face. Then, when she remembered him moving under her, it returned.  
Then it faded.  
Then it returned.  
Then it faded.


End file.
